Duly Noted: Let It Burn
0By Jarrett in : Duly Noted, Jarrett Hill // Jul 28 2011
A few Fridays ago I was at a friend’s get-together at his home. We’d all come over to have drinks, hang out and just celebrate another week of surviving our paycheck printers, welcoming the two-day vacation, and enjoying the company of a few friendly and familiar faces.
When I walked in the door, after putting down some things that we’d brought over to carry the night (alcohol, a stereo, computer, etc.) a friend brought me to the dining room table. On the table was a metal bowl, sheets of blank paper, and a few random pens. There was a sign on the table indicating that we should tear off a corner, write down whatever we wanted to get rid of from the week, and be prepared to burn it and let it go.
The night went on, we had one powerful glass of deceptively spiked tea after another, danced around, laughed, played games, and happily ignored the clock as it ticked. Late into the night I paused for a bathroom break, as I was returning to the festivities I passed the table, noticing the bowl of notes. I saw mine, remembering the way I’d folded it. I knew that we wouldn’t be burning anything that night but the midnight oil of good times. I quietly slipped the piece of paper into my pocket, and went back to the party.
Days later I was sorting the laundry, in the make-believe world of “I’m gonna do laundry today.” I came upon the piece of paper with my fear written on it, without looking at it, I tossed it onto my desk and went on sorting.
Last night, I saw the piece of paper sitting on the corner of my desk and overwhelmingly felt that what I’d written on the paper was still alive and quite real within me and on the paper that I’d so thoughtfully written down so many days ago.
The first burn wasn't so successful...
Immediately I knew that I should burn it. I went into the kitchen, turned on the water in the sink, and turned on the gas stove. I made sure the flame was small, being slightly paranoid of the faint image in the back of my mind of watching firefighters spraying down the remaining embers of my midtown high-rise. I put the folded piece of paper into the blue flame and watched it slowly catch fire. With the water running in the corner of my eye, I watched the folded piece of paper as its edges darkened and were eaten away by the orange edges, I watched the flame travel higher, getting larger, and in an instant was horrified by the relatively small flame and threw it into the sink, extinguishing it.
I stood there and saw the piece of paper in my sink, torched indeed, with much of it remaining intact. I kicked myself because the feeling from earlier – that the job remained undone – returned almost immediately. I grabbed a pair of metal tongs and a glass bowl determined to finish what I’d started, and symbolically get rid of the fear that I was quietly carrying around. I went back to the stove and repeated the process. But this time, I found it to be very different
The water that had soaked into the paper made it quite tough to burn. It burned quite slowly this go ’round, the flame would die, and I’d have to repeat, minus the rinse. It started becoming frustrating and annoying. I had to go get an old discarded receipt , wrap it around the first note, and burn that. Even STILL the folded damp piece of paper found a way to stick around. Finally, I ripped out a piece of notebook paper, folded the two together, and torched the papers until they were finally mere ashes in the small glass bowl on my countertop.
The task was finally complete. I felt accomplished. And maybe a just a little liberated.
Then it hit me.
Fear isn’t always something that we get rid of easily, instantaneously, or without even a little persistence. I believe fear is much like hope, in that it doesn’t require a great deal of it to be effective, with just a little bit going a long way.
I realized that much like I had to work on my burning my feared-scribed corner of paper, it isn’t always as easy as I’d like it to be to get rid of feelings, thoughts, or issues that I’d like to. Sometimes, accomplishing the eradication of fear, or so many other things that can be toxic to our lives, goals, and reaching of our dreams, requires more of us than a momentary commitment to be fruitful.
Finally complete...
On my small sheet of paper, I’d written that I was wanting to let go of my “fear of the uncertainty of where things will go when I take the risk of moving to LA.” I have so many big dreams that seem to be not around the corner, but finding their way onto my street. I’ve learned from many great people that they’ve gotten so much from their failures; without which they wouldn’t have ever been successful. I look at my kitchen ordeal and realize that it could have been a failure, had I left fear in the sink to dry and eventually find its way to my garbage. It was a failure turned into a personal success because I didn’t let the story end there.
I can’t help but wonder what failures lie ahead of me. But more than that, I can’t even sit still thinking about the possibility of great successes that may find their way out of the sink and back into the fire.
Burn Wisely and Note it, Duly.
j.